Reasons for not being around as much

Some of you might already know this, but I no longer have internet at home. Only times I can get on are when I'm at the library or volunteering, which I might ditch since nothing has changed there with me since I started. They don't even ask me to do anything anymore TBH and I just don't want to be there.

Another reason is that I've been going through a lot of shit mentally and physically. My lower back has been hurting like hell the last few months. I thought I pulled a nerve of something, but that was back in July, and it's still hurting like hell some days to the point where I can barely walk at all. Just sitting down hurts and when I think it's finally gone away for good, it comes back a few days later with a vengeance and when it hurts like that, I can't sit down for long so I'm not at the library as long.

As for the mental thing, well it's a long story. Been trying to find a job for a few years and I never get any interviews. Turns out my diploma is useless. I did a mail order course for my final year of high school (I was home schooled) and turned out the school was not accredited at all. The ad never said anything about that. So because of that, I technically never finished school. My girlfriend told me about it and it's been weighing on my mind since then. Yes, I could get a GED, which I plan on doing, but that costs money that I don't have, and even then I'm so out of tune with everything that they expect me to know, that I'll be shocked if I don't fail it even if I do study.

The other thing is the place I volunteer at. I volunteer at the church I attend. I never said where it was due to what people would say or think of me. No, I'm not some super christian, and I never will be. I don't care if you believe in God or what other religion you have, I just care about the person them self. I wish other people there thought the same way. For those who don't know me, I'm not the kind of person to wear a smile on my face 24/7. I only smile when there is something to smile about. Sitting there with a fake grin plastered on my face all day looks odd and stupid, so I don't do it. Well, that obviously means something is wrong with me to everyone. Another problem is that I'm bisexual and came out on Facebook. My close friends there accepted me and even a couple people who I was shocked about doing so, but everyone else now ignores me indefinitely. They'll say hi to me, but not give it another thought. It's always been this way (because you know, I don't grin like a fucking moron 24/7) but now it's worse. Lately I don't feel welcome there, and it's seriously weighing me down to the point where I started having suicidal thoughts again because of people indirectly calling me an idiot for swearing and telling me how to live my life. I want to live my life my way, but that's not good enough. I have to live it a certain way and I see no escape from this. If it wasn't for some of my close friends and my girlfriend, I'd have probably done something by now.

I was bullied at the church when I was in grade school, and I was bullied in school. My mom home schooled me because of it, but did nothing when the kids at the church did it, and in fact it felt worse. I was bullied up until I was about 15 when I stopped caring about it and they left me alone, either because it was no longer fun or because they matured finally. I had started having thoughts of suicide when I was 10 years old because of it. No one liked me, and it was somehow my fault. 13 years later, and no one really pays attention to me now which TBH I think is a bit better and yet the thoughts have returned because of being labelled an idiot for wanting to live my life my way.

I'm not a bad person. I don't steal nor do I hurt people, and yet that's not good enough. I have to be "different" (AKA like everyone else there) and I hate it. I hate it so much, and yet I can't escape it because I have to go there if I want to live with my mom and brother because I can't live out on my own due to not having a job, nor being able to get one.

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I just felt like I needed to vent. Anyway, I'll try to be as active on here as I can and I hope everyone here understands.

 

Man, don't let anyone else's bullshit bring you down. If you've got a girlfriend, loving family and a handful of close friends, that's all you really need. As for the back pain, my wife uses an oil called Deep Blue that works pretty good for her. You can find a 5oz bottle on ebay for about $25 and if you mix it with olive oil to apply it, it'll make it stretch out longer. Hope things start going better for you, dude. I truly do.

 

Hey, man. Don't sweat it. Be as active or as inactive as you like/are able to. We don't mind giving you a hand if you have trouble keeping up with your posting schedule, and we're always happy to see you on the forum.

As for the other stuff, I can't say that I know your pain. I don't. We're all different. But, without making it about me, I have chronic health problems and psychological issues stemming from military service and abuse when I was younger. So I get the feeling of being alone. I know what it's like to want to end your life. And, more importantly, I'm just trying to say that even though I may just be some guy on the internet, I'm here for you, we all are, as much as any guy on the internet can be.

Hang in there. And drop by whenever you're able. You'll always have a place, here.

 

as someone leeching internet whenever i get the chance, dont let the internet attendance get to you man. just try to catch up on things whenever you can. i have been bullied too during my elementary years (there i said it. i said this before in the chats but didnt say why) i can say that its no fun memory.

well to get your perspective to the positive, its great that you do volunteer work and have a girlfriend despite all of the things you said. there's a number of us whos single since birth.

NO SUICIDE THOUGHTS YOU HEAR(read) ME!!!

here take this pinkie pie gif to make you feel better